If I see one more commercial for The Secret Life of the American Teenager, I'm going to punch the next teenage girl I see in the uterus and scream, "Wear a condom!"
I showed him my bush... on skype.
A guy just tried to send me a pic of his penis & my phone sent me a disclaimer saying "the components were unsuitable for your terminal"
Even your phone knows you shouldn't sleep with him...
Dude, I just cut my asshole on the new toilet paper. If you rationed the grocery money to buy drugs, I better be getting some.
she sent me pictures of 3 different vaginas and if I could pick which one was hers i could sleep with her.
I was always good at matching as a child.
this is terrible I feel like i'm trapped in a cage with a wild republican
I taped a pair of scissors and a coupon for a waxing on the door. He gets to choose.
I'm still confused. So he's NOT your cousin by blood, but WAS your cousin, on two separate occasions, by marriage? Still too weird I think...
Spotted: shirtless guy wearing cut-off hot shorts, 1 cowboy boot and a sombrero puking in a bush while his friend yelled 'stop being a bitch" from the sidewalk'. Happy 4th of July 'merica!
We kind of broke a table making out. So yes, I'd say it was successful.
Why didn't you ever bring me to the pope as a baby so he could kiss me.
Okay, since we're going to be living together and I'm obviously better than you at everything, I have one single simple rule that I want you to follow: DO. NOT. FUCK WITH ME.
You walked in on us hooking up, hugged me, high fived him and unhooked my bra.. You claimed to be helping
It's only considered alcoholism if you're drinking from something other than a cup....right?
I can still taste your cum in my mouth and my in-laws are coming over. This should go well.
Randomize
