the nurse was shocked when I handed her a cup of green piss. what did she expect giving me a drug test on st. patty's day?
At the wedding. Seated next to the bar. No way this ends well
Yo, if someone calls you asking for John Stamos, just go with it.
Were making a bet for which twin will relapse while in rehab. I'm going for the chubbier one
Turns out my drunken logic and wordsmithing isn't quite the same as the sober version. I'm pretty sure I made fun of the managers mom at one point
Next time we throw a party together I would appreciate it if you didn't try to get my friends to hook up with friends of yours you know have herpes
For her birthday she wants to, " try something different with our butts a funnel and a bottle of whiskey"
They shoved things up my nose I feel violated
Stop making Mac and cheese and sit on his face. FINISH HIM
In your drunken glory you promised me, tongue, 12 naked pics, and 1,800 breakfasts.
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
I feel like I beer bonged a ton of asbestos
We fucked. Had a political debate. I won. So I sat on his face.
Just beer bonged through a snorkel, add that to the list
The amount of illegal things I've done this weekend is astounding.
Randomize
