YOU CAN MICROWAVE POPTARTS!?!??!
You tried to tell me you weren't high while you were eating French onion dip out of the jar with a spoon
Just so you know.. I just graduated college with your name still written on my chest
If that doesn't scream bromance I dont know what does
woke up with a sweatshirt on that said "someone special calls me grandma" and a sword. i'm just going to assume that it was a good night
I'm glad the dog doesn't judge me for doing leftover lines and watching George of the Jungle at 10 am
at one point he was caressing me in the kitchen asking me my name over and over again and then asking what my favorite continent was
I had to brake up with him.
In my experience drinking helps.
You dont want to know why?
Not really. I want to drink.
I think it got a little awkward for her when my dad walked in on us and did nothing except leave half of his pizza on the table for us.
I found you laying in the kitchen with a bottle of vodka and a slice of bologna on your face. You said you were having a spa day.
Well the "Blackout with your sack out" party turned out predictably.
I just threw up over a bridge. I didn't even know there was a bridge in this town. Vodka is like a transportation device.
I ended up passing out on the shitter for like an hour with mcds smoothie all over my face
I'm just going to eat my milkshake, watch teen wolf, masturbate, and lament my inability to form meaningful relations with men who aren't gay
No judgement. Sometimes you gotta twerk on a legends face.
I see you listening to my get shitfaced playlist on spotify. glad we're on the same page tonight there's a drink waiting for you downstairs.
Randomize
