Did you go home with that guy without me?
Sorry boo - it's pouring and I found a boy with a car
someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
he confessed his love for me, threw up on my pillow and then fell asleep on said pillow. i met him last night.
better than last weekend. things are really looking up for you.
Just figured out how to smoke weed with a toaster.
right as i was about to introduce them she goes "old fuck buddy, meet new fuck buddy."
If it carries over into the weekend I would be glad to nurse your vagina back to health.
Dude you took some guys glasses off his face and ran out of the bar
Oh wow. I almost tweeted #TweetFromTheBackOfACopCarTuesday but I didn't think it was that appropriate
I WAS a history major. I also WAS a functioning human being. Fuck gin.
You ever got drunk on $5? Cuz it's about to happen
How does one tell their boyfriend they're pregnant with someone else's kid??
Dreamt I had my own personal vibrator rep, who made house calls. I earned an upgrade to an electric model, since I was burning through batteries. That's it. Time for a bf.
Remind me to tell you about how I hit a tree with my car last night.
I'll be glad to.
DONT YOU DARE YELL AT ME. YOU'RE THE ONE WHO TRIED TO PAY FOR THE CAB WITH YOUR PANERA REWARDS CARD.
last final went out with a bang.. 20 min late bra-less, cum in my hair and i still cant find my shoes.
Randomize
