Fuck. I have a girl here waiting on me in my room! I told her I was going to get a drink of water... I'm in the bathroom taking a dump... I have mudd butt bad... There's NO toilet paper!!
How many times can you lose to your mom in beer pong before you can no longer show your face around campus?
And there I was, sitting Indian style on the kitchen floor, my fingers covered in peanut butter.
I got Green Bay stickers to put on my nipples. This way when I flash it will look like I did it out of spirit as opposed to drunkenness
I pretty much just threw a bunch of clothes and my vodka in a bag..idk where I'm gonna end up tonight but I'm prepared.
The fairy wings and cowboy hats were not the issue. The bag of cocaine that I held in the air as we drove in the parade might have been.
We simultaneously blacked out then simultaneously came to then simultaneously had sex with the neighbors. We're definitely meant to be roommates.
I just read "to infinity and beyond" as "to infidelity and beyond" something is seriously wrong with my psyche
"I'm gonna wax that ass" was the successful pick up line used on me last night. Clearly I had a few too many cause it worked..
I think I'm leaving the streamers and balloons up from 4th of july till after he stops by. It'll be like the universe is celebrating his massive dick.
He said he loved me more than Kel loves orange soda
the result of growing up in the '90's
Today's forecast: 90% chance of bad decisions, good stories, solid new dick and artichoke pizza
Did you pee in the oven last night??
i woke up and couldnt remember who was in my bed and it was so dark.. i rolled over and started kissing him and feeling his face because hey... if the blind can see like that.. maybe i could too
I talked to his mom for a good 10 minutes with coke all over my nose. Not the best first impression
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