How do you get a cum stain out of a trampoline?
I'm using my ex boyfriends dog to find a guy at the park I could see fuck buddy potential in. I'm the queen of irony.
and I'm sitting five inches from the tv scrunched up in a ball watching doug. It's like I'm five again...except I'm more stoned than the dude who created this show
I went around and congratulated every guy that had a beard for having one
Goddamn tequila
Oh just chilling alone with a stranger baby while everyone else clambakes the bathroom. Probation is the reason there is bad things in the world.
We were tripping too hard to figure out to tell him where we were so we sent a picture of me laying outside the tent saying "find us"
he gave me a thermos so I could take my coffee with my on drive of shame. I was unexpectedly grateful...
It would be like if I said I had the cure for cancer and my explanation was I like turtles.
There's times when I need to be plowed... and I'm ashamed to admit auto correct was able to predict that entire sentence.
I had a dream that I got you so wet that you flooded my apartment
Paycheck hits in 37 minutes and I literally just emptied my handle of Tito's. If that isn't budgeting like a fucking adult, I don't know what is.
Wanna get business drunk and go play golf?
First aid class means get dry humped by moderately attractive college students during heimlich maneuver training.
Her oh Gods turned into oh god I shouldn't be doing this I'm engaged.
LOOK AT HOW SMOOTH THIS BITCH IS
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