Im like a co-bf. he pays for her birthday and christmas, but i get all the action.
My dad just called from upstairs on the house phone to tell me to bring him a beer. You tell me how I am.
I didn't even realize you were getting that drunk until bam!
is bam when I fell down the stairs or when I threw up standing at the bar?
why is there an outline of nathan's body on my wall in whip cream?
Fuck him for salsa, please. I heard its a good recipe.
I was up all night on suicide watch. Dave was wasted and tried to strangle himself. With his own hands.
I mean i can't really be mad...either way i was gonna fuck him or hate fuck him, so it's basically a win/win situation.
I just conducted a skype meeting drunk and in the middle of a cornfield. I don't even think they noticed.
This is what my life has come to. Like, I may or may not have just stolen pizza from the guy I just hooked up with's fridge when I left...
He just showed up on my porch naked with just a blanket and a trash bag
Reasons I shouldn't drink... My twitter drafts keep getting more and more emotional.
Look, all I'm saying is that you're going to be a great Vodka Mom.
I'm now forever going to blame miss frizzle for making me the sexual deviant that I am today
We saw the mini basketball hoop and unicycle and just knew we had to create a new sport
Drunk minds think alike
If I say I hate myself for it does it make it any better?
Randomize
