She has a t-rex face on a stuart little body.
I don't know whether I should be pissed that there's glitter in my bed or proud that there's semen in there too.
It was weird to see you drinking wine out a glass instead of a red cup today
i just got so high i needed a buddy system to the kitchen
He started making shapes and faces with his cock and balls.... apparently if you wrap the shaft with your balls and turn it 90 degrees to the left it looks like a hamburger
my neighbors garage sale is really cutting into the time of day when i can smoke weed on my deck.
I heard about the break up and if you need a place to stay my vagina is open for you 24/7
Typcal friday morning so far. Puke, shower, commute/puke, coffee, puke, coffee, bagel, good to go. Lunch today?
I needed that adderall to break my tradition of passing out at the bar on Sundays
Seriously can I go through one convo where masturbating doesn't come up
Had a crazy moment last night. Had to get up, run to bathroom, pop 3 Xanax, sit on bathroom floor and rock myself in fetal position. Not my best moment.
You kept asking us from the backseat if you were driving ok and then you kept talking to your hiccups and yelling at them to "stop it already!"
Hey, Would it be ok if me and your wife have a ladies only night and masturbated on FaceTime together?
We're pretty sure we got naked at Pride, so running the two blocks to your place in my underwear is a step up the dignity ladder really.
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
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