If i come over, it means nothing
Dude someone is playing the piano in the other room while I shit and it's making it really peaceful
If there was a game called "keeping your legs shut," I would lose every time.
Who was that guy I met at your brother's house who had to get stitches in his ass?
Im celebrating the fact that the one guy who has ever denied me has just come out of the closet
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
And I kind of want to stare at skinny jonah hill like a weird zoo exhibit lol.
Stand up sex. Extremely, extremely difficult. I now know how pointe dancers feel.
This bitch rocks a fuckin fanny pack and still manages to lose her phone at every thirsty thursday
I had another sex dream about you but it was very dissatisfying. As you finished you starting singing the star spangled banner. then you left. I was not amused.
One of your snapchats was of you with a 40oz of Mickeys and the caption: "Deep Throat back in her natural habitat"
Your skill with memes is vaguely frightening
Woke up with a pineapple again... where do i keep on getting these ??
He’s 48, has a Prince Albert piercing and a white Range Rover
I almost suffocated in that mask but she kept calling me Jeremy so I kept it on.
Randomize
