Godddamnit i jsu woke up in oharee. My connecxtion left an hro ago. Thosse flight atttendants can DRinK
look to my right... shes dancing like she's playing dance dance revolution and her character is a retarded, drunken moose
So I've come to the conclusion that I would cry if I had an ugly baby.
I literally just saw a campus policeman riding a Segway pull over a moving car. you should just give up.
If I'm gonna go to jail I'm gonna be wearing a poncho
we fucked the fort apart but we'll rebuild it after we get some drinks.
Did I actually say goodbye last night or did I just poison you with vodka and disappear?
I walked in on him successfully eating chips and masturbating at the same time. I don't know whether I should be ashamed or proud.
Wearing the 'Let's Party' thong feels weird without you...
I JUST WATCHED PAULA DEEN PUT BUTTER IN HER BLOODY MARY. This is not a drill. Real life.
I am going to buy some m-80's and keep a bucket of them in the bathroom. That way I can just depth charge the toilet before each time I use it. Lets see how those snakes like cheap Chinese explosives
He stumbled in drunk at 7am, while we were getting ready for work. He poured a bowl of Cap'n Crunch, poured Jack Daniels on it., and said he was having "Captain Jack" for breakfast. I don't know how he's alive and employed. I hope the Cap'n calls in sick for him today.
Apparently HR frowns upon current employees introducing themselves to the new employee as "Hi I'm sleeping with your cousin"
You know your night is done when the police confiscate your bra at high school basketball game
I NEED HELP. IM TRIPPIN BAWLS IN THE BACK OF MY MOMS CAR.
Randomize
