My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
i'm ready for this baby to gtfo so i can get coked out.
waking up outside has become so normal, the paper boy knows to set the paper next to me
Oh, I made pasta salad in the throw up bowl. I hope you don't need that for the next few days.
he's washing the lighter in the sink and telling me to picture unicorns. requesting backup.
Any day you don't mysteriously wake up in the garbage is a good day.
I just saw that cheerleader from u of arkansas that I hooked up with over spring break on espn. My parents would be so proud.
Every concussion has its silver lining
Maybe it's just my body's way of telling me I don't need pinky toes. Like I'm the next evolutionary leap or something...
What I do when I'm blackout drunk is none of my business.
By the way, just opened the browser on my phone for the first time today... And it was it the "images" section of "who invented ass fucking"
So thanks for that
It was technically 11... But I go by McDonald's time, if they aren't servin breakfast, it's the afternoon. Therefore I can drink
Gramp just called her sex-on-a-stick. AKA HE CALLED HER A WHORE. My 75 year old grandfather just called your ex's new thing a whore.
Please don't think I'm weird for texting you this at 12:08 am but I just found another picture on the Internet where I think you can see his dick through whatever he's wearing
We were having sex and he started doing some weird swivel move. I was like wtf and he said sorry just trying to pop my knee.
Randomize