I created a new tequila drink. it is a mix of excitement and fear instilled in innocent people.
There is a guy standing at my bar right now wearing an affliction SUIT. I can't wait on him.
Good luck! Who knows he might be a stallion in the bedroom! or it could be like having sex with a crayon.
Just lit a joint with steel wool and a 9 volt battery... thank you 3rd grade science class
He gave me his number and said the usual call whenever you need someone but then was like... or just call me.
You would pick up a guy in AA.
You said "It's ok guys, I know I'm not really a turtle" and then tried walking on the lake.
A picture just appeared on facebook. I am puking in the toilet, you are next to me puking in the sink. I think we have our christmas card.
You walked away saying that you had to pee and you never came back. We found you an hour later in his roommate's bed. Under the covers. Still in your wet bathing suit.
First and foremost she's my friend, but she's also a mistake I make when I'm drunk
I walked from the hotel to the club with a pint of tequila in my boot. Poured some in a homeless woman's mouth when she asked for change. I've hit rock bottom.
The black hole just entered the party man, I can literally see guys starting to move towards her.
I'm sorry for not being sorry about whatever shit I did to you when you were annoying and I was drunk. That is all.
im just laying in bed, eating, getting fat, enjoying eating and getting fat, thinking about how i will probably have to get a fat boyfriend.
I'm pretty sure the guy who was grinding on me while I was trying to get a drink at he bar was one of my tinder matches
i just woke up from a 4 hour nap, still drunk, to make mac n cheese.
Randomize
