I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
I'll let you put expensive food in me, but really, not much else.
i just learned how to squirt via google. life is good.
You were playing beer pong by yourself. Finally someone took the ball and threw it into the bonfire. You sat by it, cried, and contemplated how to get it out. For 45 minutes.
This is the last weekend of getting drunk and having sex all nite with the plumber. I'm exhausted all weekend and I'm never going to finish the remodel at this rate
If we worried less about pouring champagne down stripper crack, we probably wouldn't skip so many meals.
Its everclear night, yall need carbs in your body!
I HAVEN'T FUCKED ANYONE IN FOREVER AND A HALF I DON'T DESERVE TO BE A TRASHY BLONDE
This isn't a because its valentines day booty call, it's a because your cock is phenomenal booty call that happens to be on valentines day..
I tolerate his mediocre drunk sex for the mind blowing morning sex. More than worth it.
all i remember is slapping you in the face with a slice of pizza while laughing maniacally.
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
How proud should I be that I googled "dildo with wheels" and actually got the result I wanted?
Girl in front of me just swan dove into the middle of the carpeted hallway, stood up, clapped for herself, and then continued walking. My life is complete.
I had to pee so bad that I snuck into the bathroom while they were in the shower. At her request, he was massaging her boobs so they could grow faster. Also there was a laser light machine.
Randomize
