he promised me brunch in the morning so i felt like it was ok....i really need to get a job.
my new years resolutions dont apply when im drunk
You were in my dream and you got the lyrics to lollipop tattooed on your chest. Don't get it, it wasnt that cool.
Just got the test results back. All clean, Now whose an idiot for going bareback in South America for 3 months straight.
That's what you said about that spiderman stripper, but look how that turned out
Yeah, but there's no serving sizes for dick.
I had to step in when you tried to make it rain baking powder on my sister
Dude, Taco Bell gave me a free fiesta potatoes when I won a bet on wether I could fit the entire rim of a cup in my mouth.
We told our cab driver we'd give him 3 grand if he pit maneuvered you guys in your cab.
If you get me so fucked up I can't use the microwave , I'm going to be so mad at you
Oh god. I just had a sex dream about the talking dog from the Bush's Baked Beans commercials.
I just fist bumped God in my head for last night. What a bro.
You're the best friend ever. I wouldn't want to do the walk of shame with anyone else.
The only words I could make out were "Dicksmash McIroncock".
i just woke up from a 4 hour nap, still drunk, to make mac n cheese.
Randomize
