The police are arresting two women who got in a fight for the last Twilight DVD at Best Buy. Classic.
You're being dramatic. You can calm down, or you can piss off. Either way, I ate your burrito.
I found a sock full of anal beads in my dryer. At least she washes them.
"I gave a guy a handjob last night, on a dog bed, inside a fireplace. It's going to be a good year."
Woman at starbucks on her computer with a garbage bag of popcorn and a bottle of lotion. Where are you coming from?!
I'm not sure... How do you tell someone who was so smashed they couldn't remember shoving their dick into the fireplace that their mother actually witnessed the whole thing?
It's 3 am and I'm buying cat food and batteries for my vibrator. Good thing I shaved my legs for this.
I was jerking him off and in two seconds he went from "oh yeah that feels good" to "what day is Thanksgiving again?" and then back again. Like wtf.
I wore a bathing suit downtown so I didn't have to put on underwear, I obviously don't have my shit together
One less thong to worry about.
One less *thing! But probably that too.
I cant believe you made me read bad furry sexts
I WANT BLOOD. HERS. I WILL DYE A FABULOUS PAIR OF SUEDE PUMPS RED WITH HER BLOOD.
Lost my pants last night. Really need to stop taking shots of whiskey like I'm eating skittles.
I rewired his car so that every time he hits the gas the horn and the OnStar turn on every time he hits the brake the panic alarm goes off.
you were huddled over the toilet, throwing up, and every few seconds you'd look up and say "this is such a waste of vodka" then put your head back down and start puking again
Randomize
