He looks like Jesus, if Jesus had let himself go.
He tricked me into going on a double date with him, I don't like that he's not using me for just sex anymore
you have failed as an in class drinking partner.
Jasmine is diving into bushes again.
Ideas I've had tonight: An entire movie based off the Pixar lamp jumping on stuff.
You were so drunk that you didn't even notice when I switched out your shot of jäger for a shot of maple syrup...before or after you drank it.
please come back they are interrogating me about masturbation
I didn't know what to say so I just sent him a chicken emoji
I can no longer play with you. I puked on my feet in the shower. I'm too old for this.
Had a dream I dropped the L word and immediately threatened to kill myself
You probably shouldn't be having nightmares about expressing affection
I wish so many great beards were not attached to even greater jerks. All that face sitting potential wasted. Some of the greatest tragedies of this century.
One of my pillows is missing but it's cool because there is a beef stick.
The couple in the apartment next to mine are both opera singers. I’m never sure if I’m hearing them banging or doing vocal warm-ups.
This girl in my class is lecturing my professor about zombies. It has been going on for 15 minutes.
Zombies?
Zombies.
Going on a coke binge the night before your appointment with your therapist (to talk about your sex addiction) is prob not the best idea.
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