the cops didnt even say happy birthday to me :(
It's official. I'm a squirter. Wasn't a one time thing.
I puked for half an hour, but I went and danced afterwards, and that made me feel better.
You are so irish.
The cab driver referred to me as his little gumdrop, im sure he won't feel the same when he sees the vomit all over his floor.
Chances are I'll be there for your wedding. Camelbaks filled with jack and coke are appropriate attire, right?
She told me my dick looked like a baby seal wrapped in a sleeping bag.
On a lighter note, my mom and I were playing scattergories, and for "things that you keep hidden" we both put dildo. Proof that we really are related.
I will call him whatever I please, including flaccid dick on forehead guy but not limited to watermelon cunt head.
You'd be surprised at the stuff my vagina tells my brain to say
I just remembered something. Did we really all flash the cab driver to get half off?
It's always awkward in the office the day after your boss sends you a dick pic.
He gave me the "find somebody who wants to date you for who you are" speech while I walked around the house asking people for pants.
I think my ball sweat smells like waffle house. might be time to change up drunken eating habits
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
We walked 3 miles to the strip club. Stopped for roadies, it wasn't that bad.
Randomize