I woke up this morning with I hate myself feeling
I think my vagina is haunted
mid blow job she looked up and said "we aren't even facebook friends!"
Did I really just find a cheez- it box full of condoms in your room?
When you give the bridesmaid toast someday at my wedding I need you to quote Ricky Bobby in some form. And slip in your sister has the vagina of awesomeness. That is all.
Then you better bring Starbucks and a box of condoms in the morning.
Oh shit. This is getting real.
I found an inside smoking lounge. I'll be here for the next 4 hours. A nice old Canadian lady has befriended me and let me use her lighter. Fuck Hartsfield-Jackson AND this layover. I win.
Just heard a girl ask "Wait you're not my boyfriend?!" to a guy wearing the Mickey to her Minnie Mouse on my way home. Made me feel better about myself.
You rubbed a frozen pizza in my face. The concerning part was that it was semi cooked from our body heat
Well sort of got busted by a cop while having sex outside, so your call
Last night you were prentending to be a broom stick...you were laying on the floor and humming the Harry potter song.
he was wearing pj pants, thank you for not letting me go home with him
She told me to take deeps breaths and I said I said YOU FUCKING TAKE A BREATH CAROL IM SURE IF YOU WERE IN MY POSITION YOU WOULD HAVE OFFED YOURSELF ALREADY and she said my name is Becky 😂
First aid class means get dry humped by moderately attractive college students during heimlich maneuver training.
this poor kid thinks hes going to have his first time with both of us
Randomize
