I have a spoon shaped bruise on my ass...
My mom is helping me re-arrange my room to make New Year's more hook-up friendly
I'm practically paying him in tacos to have sex with me.
Umm, ya, half our class is sitting in starbucks passing around flasks. Yes, flasks. Plural. Going to join them, we're all giving oral presentations in 20. Go hard or go home.
For future reference "I'm too drunk to come today" is an acceptable line to get out of work. I love my job
2 things: 1) can you get hep from toilet water? And 2) do you know where we can get a new skillet for cheap?
Please tell me those aren't related.
I made rice.
I had a dream I gave a blow job to a guy whose dick forked off into two. I'm going to spend the rest of my life confused.
then looked at this little girl next to me and was like "don't drink when you get older and don't let your best friend be with assholes." she looked at me like i was crazy
I literally farted midsex as a siren for him to get the fuck off me.. No such luck.
" my drug dealer just stopped by and did an elmo impression for my 2 year old nephew."
Just get over here and light metaphorical fireworks in my literal vagina
I just had all of the sex. All of it.
Instead of going to my moms birthday party I went over and gave him head. I should win non girlfriend of the year award
I didn't really break out of the friend zone, as much as I blasted the doors off with high explosives and rode through on a grizzly bear...
Get your heels and tits on! I’m not wasting a Brazilian because his fucking kid ate paste or Legos and ruined an afternoon suite sex and room service
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