ignore voicemail. the cock hath been unblocked.
onenightstand. Woke up and saw my nuva ring on the floor. apparently he thought it was a glow stick. pick me up please?
he didnt ask why there was a glowstick shoved up your vag?
we were exchanging secrets last night... she told me about how she put markers in her vaj in middle school. found a keeper.
I feel like i'm in the derek zoolander school for kids who can't read good.
A small cock is a small cock, don't blame the size of my hands
He was from Iceland of course I didnt sleep with him, havent you seen Mighty Ducks 2???
Why am I a bad person? You were the one trying to get people to eat tape.
One fish gets drugged and suddenly I'm labeled a bad pet owner. This is so unfair.
We should celebrate the resignation of Berlusconi tonight with too many bottles of wine and sambuca. We're allies, right?
No, seriously, I've slept with 3 guys this month.
It's ok, February is a short month
I wrote "fuck you meg" on my toaster strudel with the icing. I call it "passive aggressive breakfast"
Also, there's a guy walking around the kitchen in a shark onzie, and he just asked if we've ever smoked weed with a shark before. I'm dying
I really need to stop sending pussy pics if I'm going to be running for state representative in November
did i get sucker punched in the face last night or was our make-out session just that intense?
i can believe you didnt get any, i was wing-girling the shit out of him
all you did was repeatedly scream GET IT IN
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