Police were just in my backyard to recover a loaded .38. What the fuck?????
they named it eva bongoria. i had to hit it based on the name alone.
She's going to get me a sippy cup for christmas. If I can't open it, I can't have any more to drink. Seem reasonable?
I woke up in the ER. This living like theres no tomorrow really could mean theres no tomorrow.
Explain it like you would if you were talking to a 5 yo
Wait no, like you would to a stoned high school freshman.
He called us the '3 Amigos' and told us if hos ex wife came we had to jump the porch railing and hide in the bushes.
I was too drunk to remember throwing up so i probably didn't learn my lesson
Sorry for the milk in the bathroom. I was washing mace out of the one security guys eyes
I now have a other guy willing to drive 3 hours for my vagina. At my next gyno appointment I'm asking her if there's cocaine in there.
Can you get snapchat back so I can show you all the places I threw up in/on last night?
I'm gonna give the church their tithe, and the rest is a down payment on boobs.
Tell him to put up or shut up. Can't be dangling dick in front of ho's without delivering.
It's just disrespectful
Good news y'all just straight up snorted 2 adderall and I'm not a real being on this plane of existence anymore and I'm ready for finals
I was informed this morning that I took all my clothes off and ran around the whole apartment complex. Being as they just moved in, welcome to the neighborhood.
She started crying, nearly punched a guy, started smoking multiple cigarets backwards and broke the slide on her bong. Why do I always end up babysitting the crazy ones?
Randomize
