I have to start avoiding pregnant women. This is getting out of hand.
You all can go fuck yourselves. As far as I'm concerned, don't come back to karaoke.
Sure, fine. Daughter just told me she is not a virgin anymore. I am gonna start drinking now
In all seriousness...vodka, almond milk and chocolate syrup make a decent white russian.
On my way to the DMV to get arrested
Amazing. Super drunk. We stole a street sign in a golf cart and went around jousting trash cans all night.
By getting lucky do you mean I get one of your incredible BJs or you not killing me by the end of dinner?
Okay I can't even be mad, I'm in mid-plot to hook up with Michael Phelp's third cousin.
We need a bunch of roses, some chocolate, 2 cops, a mariachi band, and a thermometer
bringing my vibrator into the shower with me. if I don't text back in 30 minutes I have electrocuted myself and died.
May the force be with you.
I just found out two girls I dated met each other, bonded over how much they hate me, started dating and are gonna get married soon.
I blew him while the canoe was sinking...I think of it as the better version of the titanic
I just found your ripped underwear on my chandelier. Care to explain?
You sent me a naked picture of you as a child? How is that normal
I'm fucking sick of guys. I think I'm going to date myself. No drama. And I know I'll always put out.
Randomize