yes, too bad my tears were being wiped away by tits in my face
once the tequila comes in everyone elses feelings go out the window.
just convinced someone I was a virgin. I love when people don't know me.
you flashed the cab driver so we didn't have to pay the fare and then you decided you were on a roll so you flashed the guy at the maccas drive through... safe to say your boob job was the best idea ever!!
I'm starting to have hip problems from having my legs spread too often.
We had sex and then he fed me pie. This is the best friends-with-benefits situation ever.
My glasses are somewhere in your living room. Also, my underwear might be in your bathroom or on or around your porch. Sorry.
could you please tell me why you thought vodka soaked band aids were a good idea?
Woke up and there was a kayak in the pool. Are you alive?
ill give you food and tequilla and penis and joy
That final makes me want to drink myself into the fetal position
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
JUST DENIED A NEW YEARS KISS BECAUSE HE WAS A COWBOYS FAN.
Nothing says "I'm sorry for shitting in your bed" like an Olive Garden gift card
he's so hot I'd consider breaking the whole, "till death do us part," agreement he's currently in
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