Betty ford says i'm here all night
I just discovered how perfect a shot glass is for putting your chicken nugget dipping sauces into. Like I'll probably do this when I'm a mother feeding my children.
I just turned in a 4 page paper spelling absolute as "absolut" every single time. I'm an alcoholic
He went down on me and then slapped my ass saying "thanks for the confidence boost"... is this all I'm good for?
The National Anthem was on so I had to have a beer
He shaved off his eyebrows. This is not my life.
Judging by the hole in the wall by the door, the mis-matched shoes by the door, and the door hanging off one hinge... i'd say he's on the loose.
some drunk bitch driving a golf cart ran over the live band... its bad.
Im in Ft Meyers right now looking right at an alligator. I have had a couple of beers and people are telling me not to feed him but Im gonna do it anyway.
My god. His mom just smacked my ass. Does this mean I'm accepted??
You're not on my level until you shop at Petsmart for sex accessories.
On way back. With a shopping cart. Minimal casualties.
I now have a bottom rung on my kissing scale. Like I can say "Well. On a scale of Matt to Braxton he was probably a Zach." It's the little things.
THERE IS A BABY THAT ISN'T MINE THAT'S GOING TO HEAR ME BEING SEXED!
Either my boss has an enormous dick or he’s hiding a can of tennis balls in his bike shorts
Maybe I will go to the company picnic
Randomize
