Dude, it's gettin so bad even my fantasies just wanna be friends.
sitting in an airport in detroit. just saw a commercial for detroit tourism with kid rock as a spokesman. reason # 1458 to never visit this city.
Vibrator and massage oils got stopped at security. Super.
The pick up line I used was "Grab my sack, you'll be back." Then I winked at her.
she called for a booty call so i sent mike as my stunt double
We found her on the doorstep. Just layin down going, "I made it home!! Aren't you proud??!"
Yeah! I was just fired because there was an over hire and the new girl is hotter than me. Seeing as how the new girl is my baby sister I think punching my manager is excusable.
And it was in that moment when I realized that these high schoolers looked up to me and that I should set a good example. So I stole a casserole and left.
How's my sex life is me mastubating next to her dog. that's how it's going.
like, by the end of my shift people were asking if I'd sobered up enough to take a drink order yet. that bad.
You tried crawling through the apartment window instead of going through the wide open door next to it
Ever since I got to LA my dream self has been having sex with way too many rabbi's.
Can't find my wig, my underwear, or my dignity. Halloween 2016
Hungover on St. Patrick's Day. I did this backwards.
Through a complicated series of events, I wound up in the desert with a blue chick from comic-con. we lost peter. if you're alive, please come get us.
Randomize
