I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
guess who just trotted in eating her oats and wagging her penis
Black out sex on the trampoline? yes please.
drunk doesn't even begin to explain it. dude called him and said to bring you back because he'd already called dibs.
next time the cops show up in riot gear we should probably leave
and miss being on the news....no way
Fuck. That. I'm gonna get drunker and make them regret they EVER put me at the kids table. I'm a MAN.
how thoroughly do i need to sanitize the cone the vet put around my dog's neck for it to be safe to use as a beer bong?
I just want you to know how happy I am that you are circumcised.
So my niece decided to play "lets make shapes out of your bruises" with me and told me that one of them looks like a shark bite. Bravo, sir. Bravo.
What do you need? A swimsuit and a liver of steel? What else?
The shit show didn't end. it just relocated itself to my apartment instead of yours.
you also need to get my treadmill fixed.
I want to tell everyone I've ever met about how he him picking me up and fucking me against the wall was the highlight of my life. Worst lesbian ever.
Sometimes, it’s important to take a moment and kinkshame yourself.
I'm not sure you count what happened last night as sex.
He stole one of my good bras again. If I'm not getting laid I'm not putting with this shit. Also it's a walk of shame for you today, my car is suicidal again.
Randomize
