I gave them both handjobs at the same time. Felt like I was skiing
I woke up this morning with gum gluing my ass cheeks together..
I can't decide if I actually want to know or not..
I'm someone's dream girl. I'm hungover in this guy's bed wearing ONLY a Brian Westbrook jersey. Not the same I was on a date with last night.
Remind me to tell you the one about the cashier that wouldn't sell me Jim Beam and NyQuil.
1.) You left the rest of your whiskey here 2.) I drank your whiskey 3.) then made a steam roller out of the bottle 4.) Everything tastes like whiskey
We were all definitely blackout with drunk goggles on, even though you and Amanda were the only ones dressed up as it.
Now I'm at the gym and I never want to leave. It's a combo of adderall and endorphins and I don't want it to go away
I swear that when we jog in the morning I can hear it slap between his thighs
im so hung over everytime my dog barks the sound vibration makes my whole body hurt
Your resume just got faxed, I also modified it a bit and sent it to strip clubs...expect weird phone calls...
Best case scenario I do a bunch of dirty things to you, blow your mind and you enjoy it. Worst case I stare at you, poke at you, smile and droll on myself, you laugh.
My sweat smells like Wild Turkey. I'm really feeling the holiday spirit.
He just peed in the cab. I repeat..IN.
Nothing cures your heart after a boy calling you unattractive than a big fat dick
So do I get points for screwing my recently single ex boyfriend and then telling him to go fight for his ex back?
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