Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
I mean, you're like my second best best friend we're so close I can't believe you'd do that to me
Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
You screamed 'pound me, you big thick stud.' I looked around for porn cameras.
Shut up. I did not.
I really wish I was making that up.
so high. i feel like my whole body is a boner
you know you've made it when it's your own pool table you're waking up on
He is eating chips off the floor in the emergency room..
you don't know what its like to have your bartender tell you that you owe him beer money infront of your mother at 3pm on a tuesday
I wonder what it's like for my roommate to live bicuriously thro my sex life
He just told an 8 year old to go fuck himself so we probably won't be in the butterfly exhibit much longer.
So help my penis see only you. Give him some attention as well.
Remember when I got punched in the face on NYE last year? I don't
I'm committing myself to dance. Also, I'm unsure if you said space party sounded lame because dude was old, but I hope you're over it because I love space, and I love David Bowie and I love to dance, and you need to embrace this with me.
It's 2016 and I am a strong independent woman who just wants someone not weird to touch my butt, dammit
yeah the highlight of my day was the 911 operator telling me they had frantically been trying to figure out where i was
Randomize
