wow. When I'm done with him he's going to have to pop his collar in necessity and not just douchery
My doctor literally wrote on the script NO SEX
If I had KNOWN you and mom were coming to visit, I wouldn't have passed out in the frat. This is why I hate surprises.
That's so unfortunate for him bc you can always find another penis, but he's stuck with it
We made out for three hours. Then she said she didn't sleep with redheads and left the party. So yes, I'm still drinking.
They ran through the sprinklers in front of campus police, shirtless. Singing "love is a battlefield"
Hey just wanted to let you know my nose is broken and I have a fractured wrist. I told you it wasn't a slip and slide.
Dude I didn't think you'd do it. I mean come on, who puts a slip and slide on their driveway?
He came to the party late, didn't bring tacos, and then asked what shennanigans we were getting into. I swear I will never fuck another hipster.
When you mimic motorboating Jennifer Love Hewitt, is it really that hard to understand why no one thinks you're straight?
I'm still me, I just happen to have things in my porn library that you may not have expected
Only you would come out as bi like that
His status said "sad." of course I liked it. I don't even care that I was the only one. Facebook isn't your god damn journal, we don't care about your problems.
We just had sex in the shed while having a conversation about cheeseburgers...so that's how my day is going
Do you think telling guys I'm majoring in magic is a good pickup line?
He came into my room last night and started peeing underneath my desk, I told him the bathroom was the next door over.
You peed on a flamingo?!?
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