Kirsten Dunst is sitting next to me in a bar in NYC
Tell her I want my money back for Elizabethtown.
Fuck Jersey, the house im in is so baller but this state just cannot win.
i just google imaged poop.
If I could pick any std, I would pick genital herpes. Seriously. Have you seen the commercials? The lady is riding a fucking bike, swimming, and on a date. I have a perfectly fine vag and all I do is go to the library.
The only thing he got me during our relationship was a cum stain in my backseat. I choose winners.
I swear that men would be more efficient if they had a semen gauge on their penises
I passed out and woke up with my pockets full of Lucky Charms cereal and chocolate coins. Another successful St Pattys Day.
the chick you hooked up with on my couch facebook friended me.
just thought you should know her name is kristen
Holy shit. This 2 year old just told me her nipples were for her boyfriend. Hello future leaders of america
having sex with him is like cage fighting mixed with pilates...the condoms didn't stand a chance...
You were so stoked after landing that flip that you dropped acid with three random guys without hesitation
I just called my boyfriend "Dad"... Awkward
There's no good way to say, "sorry your son saw me naked on top of your brother"
He deserves a nobel prize for his dick-giving abilities. 10/10, would ride again.
Last night was great... In the "I got videotaped making out and getting a handjob on the couch in front of 100 people." kinda way.
Randomize
