Omg. I just woke up in a room full of naked people
im six kinds of drunk right now
Hey guys. This is Daniel texting on mayas phone. if she called you and told you that i made her have sex with me in my doghouse with my dog present that wasn't true.... so dont spread that.
yup. cregs moms pubic hair is still glued to the celing
She was having a seizure right in front of you, and you asked, "So there's no more donuts?"
I'm already mentally preparing myself for the fact that I'll probably be sleeping next to a toilet.
As I was climbing out of the pool he slapped my ass and said 'stay golden', i don't know why but it felt right.
Upon further investigation it turns out it wasn't blood, but chocolate frosting from the cupcake I shoved in my pocket to "save for later"
That's the kind of break up sex that keeps couples together. Damn.
i'm teaching a bunch of people how to grow weed over snapchat. no shame.
Nothing like drunkenly buying a pregnancy test at 8 am to get out and realize your nip was out the whole time.
remember when I lost my virginity and said I could see myself becoming a sex addict?? Well I'm pretty sure that time has come
I left my red butterfly dildo laying on my bedroom floor this morning....my landlord is currently showing the house to people. Fuck can't ever face him again.
I have vodka, fruit gushers, and health insurance. Let's party.
Why can't he see that I don't want a slow getting to know you period? I just want to bone. NOW.
Randomize
