you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
I'm drinking keystone with a homeless man I found. It's making me feel uncomfortable.
I gained confidence after I found out she was a lesbian. At least that way I could flirt with her and convince her to buy me taco bell after the bar
Did a bunch of gravity bongs and am watched hours of Frozen Planet. There is nothing in the world I want more than to hug a polar bear.
him crossdressing on the weekends is awkward but not a deal breaker for me.
I just told a bottle to be chill
and meant it
I chased him for half a mile, lost him then somehow ended up at his house. Is that still considered stalking? I WAS drunk.
Its 11am and I'm eating gummi bears and drinking Tennessee honey in my underwear...this is why I'm self employed
She said it was unconventional for me to yell "Shazam!!" when I came inside her.
You are the epitome of what awesome would taste like.
I just wish he would stop trying to bring his emotional baggage into our sexual relationship.
he's the kind of guy you give a fake number to and he still finds out your real number anyway...
if anyone asks you the platypus in my bathtub is a gift...thats all anyone needs to know
I may forget my underwear, but you can count on me for drugs and plan b
I was stuffing my face while buying a brownie and coffee and some kid I fucked came up behind me and said. Someone's hungry.
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