What are we going to do tonight?
What we try to do every night. Take over the world
i just met a girl who was sent to the hospital for using her phone as a vibrator and got electrocuted. 4 weeks later she got sent back for shoving a hot dog up there. welcome to the teenage american society
Getting up at 8 this morning to drink could be the best and the worst idea we've ever had
friends with benefits? more like friends with awkward sexual tension
We watched 'the mighty ducks' last night and took shots every time someone quacked. I woke up this morning wearing a nothing but a hockey jersey laying next to him on the floor. He was wearing a goalie mask. I really wish I knew what happened.
Gonna post on craigs list missed connections - "I was that really drunk bitch that threw up in your car. I'd like to pay for detailing"
He asked if I wanted a dutch rudder. 1.) Who says that? 2.) How exactly does one do that with a girl?
Just found bacon bits in my pocket. Blackout buffet is the best.
You brought us all personal gifts you had stolen from the party and bellowed "hoes hoes hoes, clepto Santa loves you"
I swear that when we jog in the morning I can hear it slap between his thighs
When Pony by ginuwine plays I pretty much just grind on the nearest penis.
I'm shopping for Mother's Day cards while waiting for my herpes medication. What is life.
Okay but look at his jawline. I NEED TO RIDE IT.
I miss your drunken presence, and strong odor of hard liquor and potent weed.
I don't know how to explain to you that you tried to recreate the bit from the Dana Carvey show where a guy dressed as Bill Clinton breastfeeds a bunch of puppies
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