This last weekend single handedly took me off the liver transplant list
One of my students just said I have "big mommy parts". Even third graders know that my tits are too big. God I love em.
It's like there's a party and my mouth and everyone's throwing up
I think it was you who decided that coming home at 3AM and cooking eggs topless was the best way to end our night. Eating the scrambled eggs off each other's boobs, that was ellie's idea
Random girl at this party just gave me a lap dance in a la-Z-boy. Night significantly improved.
he was alternating between taking bites of butter and bagel. he said it was easier than finding a knife
sorry
why?
oh you didn't look in the living room yet, did you?
Okay I know I said I was going to quit drinking for a while but apparently pumpkin pie flavored vodka is a thing and I will not rest until I have some.
I'm taking myself to the hospital right now b/c there is no way this erection is subsiding in the next 4 hours.
smoked four grams out of a bong with a mixture of pool water and white rum. I applaud you for leaving before losing too many brain cells.
Seriously insulted!! You can not share my dick pick with your gay brother. He won't quit poking me on fb
Sweet! It'll be a "that-minor-I-used-to-serve-alcohol-to-is-no-longer-a-minor" party!!!
I literally just woke up in a dog bed, in a bathtub in someone else's house...and I'm not wearing pants
also, my mom just called to make sure the dick tattoo on your arm was fake..
I wish drug dealers had sales for the holidays
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