Who knew that being in a committed relationship is the same thing as forced celibacy? Did not sign up for this.
there's something so ridiculous to me about watching someone with glasses exercising. it's like watching a whore studying in the library. stop trying to be someone you're not.
well he showed me a naked baby picture and i was right it hasn't grown
I just worked out and used handles of vodka as weights. Whoever said alcoholism is detrimental to you health obviously has no fucking idea.
I woke on the floor next to a big TV. Apparently I traded my bed for a 52 inch samsung and a box of pop tarts.
i dont feel like going...you don't know how much work goes into getting my whore on
I drunk madeout with my mom last night. it's guna be an awkward breakfast.
we found you in the kitchen at five am trying to make a vodka omelette. you said you didn't want to live in a world where your two favourite things couldn't be together.
Why would you fall asleep? This is why i cant drink with my lesbian friends anymore. They take my clothes off and get vodka in my top ramen. Only yoouuu can prevent forest fires.
Your grammar in that last text message was so awful.. My vagina wants to go crawl in a hole, and never speak to you again.
I know it was your bday but bringing a airhorn and blowing it yelling "buy me a fucking shot" in the bartenders face was a little uncalled for
It feels like the devil is humping my brain with his razor sharp erection.
Sooooooo this guy just asked me if I'd be interested in a threesome... I'm considering bc I would get to hang out with his dog afterwards.
That cat I follow on Facebook beat cancer so we're drinking tonight in celebration
I got drunk. Then I took a shit.
It was a good shit
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