party started at 10. cops are coming to shut us down now and its 11. i already lostmy underwear and im wearing a sparkly thong on my haed. this has to be some kinda record.
This is why I shouldn't be left alone with liquor and anticipation.
I think I just saw the silver monkey from legends of the hidden temple sitting out in someone's trash
GO. BACK. NOW.
My mom would probably be ok with my lifestyle as long as she doesn't see that photo of me doing bong rips in a Jesus costume.
I've decided to dedicate my life to finding out which flavor of Gatorade tastes best after you brush your teeth
you texted me "dude im face"
it sounded so right at the time
Please tell me how I go from a guy with a coke problem to a cop. My own life doesn't even make sense to me anymore
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
I'm thinking my boss switched to all cordless keyboards and mouses so that none of us would hang ourselves in the office.
I may or may not have tried to give myself a lobotomy
After all this I still can't spell gonorrhoea without autocorrect
sometimes you just have to listen to beyonce and cry. that's how life works
She has an alarming number of pictures with cat ears but the sex is amazing.
I'm wearing men's underwear
I don't know what to do with that information...
The blonde cop looked at my license and told me I better have be home when her shift ends
I hate you
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