there is a puppy in the bar... no really i didnt steal this one
He disabled his match.com account in front of me
please dont ever try to drink horizontally again. I thought I was going to have to give you cpr
He was banging holes in the kitchen wall with pots. They tried to pull him away but only managed to pants him. He kept "drumming".
All she said to me last night is that when her eyes roll back, to release my choke hold.
I would literally rather jam a rusty rail road spike into my cock than be here right now. The whore showed up and now I might smash my iPhone into my face repeatedly until I'm no longer consisting of any sort of life.
How do we turn this unicorn pinata into a bong?
Totally forgot we howled at the full moon last night... It's safe to say Tuesday Boozeday is my new favorite day of the week
Tequila Tuesdays need to not carry on throughout the week. Having a sad Saturday
There's a ton of international students in my suite and I'm just sitting in this chair with no pants on eating frosted flakes
I slept with one of the directors so you would get a good price on the ballroom for your reception. I'm the best MOH. You owe me bitch
This is like the fourth time this month I've woken up hungover in someone's backyard
I discovered moonshine and fell in love.
I just had a morning three-some with marijuana and a detachable shower-head
Drunk man just fell out of said wheelchair
Randomize
