life lesson learned today: sleeping pills and laxatives don't mix.
You sent me a text calling me "cunt" while i was in the middle of dumping my bf.
So we're fucking tonight?
it turns out jennifers body is not good to beat off to. yeah its megan fox but when she pukes up blood = goodbye boner
shes still asleep dad put a lobster in her bathroom
Is there any way to un-invite somebody to a wedding? I just checked out the other family, and I can't have a cockblock there.
She counted 5,6,7,8 then intentionally kneed herself in the eye numerous times.
I would ask why there is a chair tied to the door of the fridge.. but I am not sure anyone knows the answer.
Bering your kids um. Abiout tol. Throw up
Things I have that belong to you: shorts, headband, bra, purse, chinese food, vodka, and blood on my jeans. Happy homecoming.
Drunk cheerio confetti may seem like a brilliant idea when your drunk, but believe me, the next day, its a horrible, horrible mess.
i got a standing ovation for bringing skittles to the party
oh and speaking of men I've slept with. Ryan lost 1/3 of a testicle zip lining
So I have to send you an email about my weekend, heretofore referred to as The Perfect Weekend. Wherein I have lots of awesome sex with a guy with THE MOST AMAZING BODY.
I look forward to this email. I will respond with, Condoms and Creepers: The Adventures of Online Dating.
She sent me a pic wearing only my batman cape. She stole my cape dude!
I'll just give him your contact info, and you'll somehow manage to get laid. Which will make me feel like your vagina's agent or something.
Randomize
