tonight is proof that a xbox 360 will always be more reliable than a girl ever will
and a girl gets the red ring of death every month
apparently breaking a beer bottle and then throwing up in a urinal is a terrible way to pick up girls.
If I refrain from fucking my manager, I'm going to reward myself by fucking that guy from the photo department.
In hindsight, buying 4 different kinds of vibrators at once may have been a little overenthusiastic of me.
Wow. A quad shot of peppermint schnapps. I feel like I just deep throated a candy cane. Best 21st ever.
I hope your perfect outfit is a slutty power rangers outfit. That's been my dream wedding since I was a kid.
I'm gonna go to bars and pick up women hopped up on democracy.
Dude, you flipped off a cat from my balcony and yelled at it to get a house
I walk in and my roomie is fucking her bf while wearing lingerie and minnie mouse ears. Right in the childhood.
Is it bad that I'm a 32 year old woman that is so afraid of commitment that a hamster is too much responsibility?
You know you're drunk when you're apologizing for your asshole at 4am to the toilet. Eat shit habanero bbq sauce, you've ruined my life.
It finally happened my mom knowingly gave me money to buy drugs i knew this day would come\n
Mmm vodka always tastes better when i know i have work at 8am
I'm just glad you didn't end up in Staten Island
I woke up naked holding a taco. My ass couldn't even make it to my bed let alone Staten Island
For some reason, my alarm clock was unplugged & in the kitchen microwave. I don't remember doing that...
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