I made out with a fat chick last night in a hot tub... btw I am breaking up with you
Dude, totally just found out that I've been washing my hair with semen for the past 3 weeks.
I'm sorry I make you whore yourself out to him everytime I'm drunk and want mcdonalds.
He returned my car yesterday. Found a duffel bag with beef jerky, condoms, and a handgun this morning. Slightly concerned
Like there's an 87% chance I'll end up on the bedroom floor demanding sex while freestyling in your face. I'm going to buy rum.
Your fuck buddy is making you watch the OC. I think that counts as strings attached.
There is a midget driving a powered tricycle around town. I am not drunk, stoned, or lying.
Last night I made him sit on my bed and finish my burrito bowl as I chanted "brucey" over and over until he was done like they did in Matilda with the chocolate cake
I smoked my last bong as the sun rose. It was magical.
Yeah, so, that moment when the repair guy comes in and you see your cock ring on the counter one second before he does.
Just wanted to share my unfortunate vagina news in the hopes that it would make your vagina feel better about itself.
He walked into the bar with a pineapple and they served him AND the pineapple
wow bdsm is so cute
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
Please tell me why I’m standing naked in the kitchen drinking pickle juice out of the jar & there is a container of potatoe salad with no lid & a spoon in it on the floor 🤦♀️
Randomize
