omg omg i just fucked paul. i need to stop doing this kind of thing.
wait, who's paul?
exactly.
My dream in life is to scissor with Ellen. I don't care if I've got a dick. I'll make it work.
Note to self. Condoms are not microwavable.
my math professor just wrote "parallel" on the board, but spelled it "pararrel". guess what country he's from
All I wanna do is sit in water and get drunk. The only thing more American is giving birth to eagles.
Count me out. I seem to have semen induced blindness in one eye.
I found her in the trunk, smoking a cigarette, saying every girl should know how to get out of their trunk
Well I talked to some Canadians today, and I'm keeping a vigilant watch for sharks, so I'm pretty booked up.
Im calling you paparazzi cause of all the dick pics you take of your one night stands ps loved the panoramic one!
Was so drunk I had to masturbate face up cuz I thought I was gonna be suffocated by the pillows.
How dare you question the sanctity of Chocolate-and-Porn day
I was chasing pulls of fireball with bites of a bagel and yelling at people to take tequila shots with me. I shouldn't be allowed to go out alone.
He was awful. Hubby's was apparently epic. I suck at swinging.
Please clarify that he is speaking of beer pong and not rough sex
Apparently i tried to feed this guy's piranhas my whole left arm.. according to him, i was "showing them whos boss, bc if they try to eat my arm, im guna punch their face"
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