you can't spend the night you always smell like dirty underwear and my roommates complain
this wart on my finger ripped off while i was fingering this girl the other night. she thought she had gotten her period and started crying so i went with. its better for both of us that way
Lady next to me is getting american flags airburshed on her nails. god bless the ghetto.
I almost got runover on the sidewalk by a car but wen it got closer it was a crackhead walking with the whole front of a car... bumper, lights and all... I love New York.
Dating a girl 4 years younger than you is like living in a Taylor Swift song...
She threw up everywhere and is crying about a fictional character who died on Grey's Anatomy
I'm lonelier than Tom Hanks in Cast Away, right meow. Ready to make this bong my Wilson.
Idk. Each time I ask him about double teaming a woman with Dennis Rodman he just giggles. We will never know what to believe.
When you put my balls in your mouth i just want to buy you expensive gifts...you know what i mean?
After sending me a dick pic, he asked, "yay or nay?"
I hate college football. It's really fucking with our phone sex schedule.
the bartender goes "wow its so good to see you sober" and gives me a hug
I made out with my moms boyfriends son last night. Thanksgiving is gonna be reeeal fun!
It was like a single vaginal boat in a sea of one eyed monsters
The streets are paved with hand jobs
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