I just found a dead bug in my nose. if that's the worst thing up there im considdering myself lucky.
Jizz is so healthy, they should sell it at Jamba Juice. Call it "Jamba's Juice". Genius.
mom took my condoms, found one in the trash the next day
I know she was great
Just shaved my legs with toilet water in a walgreens bathroom. I am so classy.
She put her phone in her underwear and it somehow managed to work it's way into her vagina. she has a BLACKBERRY.
man, work is way more interesting with these acid flashbacks.
then she said she was half-a-virgin and that she would appreciate it if i would finish what her old booty call started
Hypothetical question: how bad would bacardi be as an IV drip?
death...100% death...what r u planning.
Stolen hampster on my tits. Don't tell me I don't know how to party.
Exactly. So you're exempt under the "I can't just fuck her to make it go away" clause of 2010.
Please come and rip my uterus out before it does it itself
I got my dick out in a gay bar for just one free shot. I didn't know I could be bought so cheap
The notary thing was a good idea. I can charge $2 per signature. I'm currently being paid in beer.
She told me "I think I'm going to puke tonight" a few seconds later she said smiling"I can't wait!"
Realization: many of my behaviors would lead to me being stoned to death in a lot of foreign countries. God bless America.
Randomize
