Well, for starters you dressed up in all Green and kept singing that song from "A Goofy Movie". Then you made us call you Powerline for the rest of the night...needless to say no, you didn't hook up with her
does drinking everclear count as brushing your teeth? because i think they are sterilized
The cab driver told me he hopes I look up to him as a father figure. Then he asked if I wanted him to take me to the hospital
why the fuck would he compare you to sexy aquatic creatures?
Yeah, I probably scared him away when I drunkenly told him we'd have beautiful children
Maybe not, but you have to admit watching him get hit by the car was gratifying
There is a 1000000% chance you'll be turned down if you try coming on to me while I watch Star Wars.
You don't know commitment until you try and waterproof a non-waterproof vibrator
A valentines day commercial would come on while I'm masturbating...
So this is where people who peaked in high school come to drink?
They just built a gym in the same parking lot as my favorite bar. Drunk me is gonna be so excited.
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
When you are 21 it's acceptable to run out of the tavern and puke all over the bike rack... when you are 35 it's called alcoholism.
We're in a hurricane and you send me a video of you playing with your dick while driving! You wanna die?!
Oh you mean the girl that gave me a black eye when I told her I liked her fake eyelashes?
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