That's it, I refuse to live in a world where sparkly vampires beat Batman at anything.
all i asked was if it was all the way in, and now im laying here alone. sensitive guys fucking suck
They are baked and once again have spent the last 45 mins talking about opening up a world wide business called "pickle on a stick"
I think i lit a firework with a joint. happy birthday, america?
Make me a sandwich
The day you make me feel like my detachable showerhead does I'll make you a sandwich.
Just walked into the bar to find a guy in a Boba Fett helmet leaning casually against the wall, texting. This night just got real.
From now on when a guy sends me a dick picture I'm going to send them a picture of some other dudes dick.
I've found my spirit animal. I'm a Snapple bottle. If you take my top off I'll tell you a fact about science.
I just scored a new eye doctor and a date all in one email. BOOM!
He told me to tell my ass that he loved and missed it, and even though he hasn't known it long, it might be the one for him
I love the barter system - he got laid and I got him to bring me some ibuprofen. A win-win really.
I drank a fishbowl of liquor and next thing I know I'm sliding into Zach Galifinakis' DMs
If you can't beat em, make them send you dick pics so they can't do anything stupid again.
I just got a handjob in the back of an Uber while a large German dude and a Midwestern fuck-boi sang along in falsetto to the Bohemian Rhapsody.
Turns out naked yoga wasn't a pickup line. I feel betrayed.
Randomize
