if being creepy is wrong, then i don't want to be right
Hallmark should totally make "congratulations on getting your period" cards...I feel they would be quite popular.
Fuck. I just got my nipple tweaked by a plus size drag queen in a purple dress. I feel like I got molested by Grimace.
does it count as cheating if I'm bettering him for his girlfriend?
Hey do you have a way to post bail? If not we can hook you up. If a police officer is reading this please ask him and respond in a timely fashion. I am concerned for my imprisoned friend
He rubs his penis on back when he think I'm sleeping
I recommend just blowing him. It's always the way to go.
Besides. I seriously had a dream that George W Bush came over and slapped some tabs down on my kitchen counter and said "let's get juiced.". It was a sign to not get too fucked up
Pizza delivery...for when you need to eat your feelings for the sex you aren't having
Do you know what your brother wants for his birthday?
Yeah he said he wants a decent blowjob for a change.
.......
I'm just looking out for you.
i just want to be sober by dinner like is that too much to ask
Last night you referred to my vagina as a gym for your penis
After the apocalypse all we'll have is vodka and twinkles.
You told your boyfriend he needed to fuck you in the tree because it would make you guys one with nature.
Did he?
The frequency with which I change my vibrator batteries is getting a little ridiculous....
Randomize
