you broke into my aparment at three in the morning wearing long johns and offered me beer.
i cleaned out my closet and found 7 beers from 2007. ive had 3 so far.
he suggested we appoligize to eachother. then do blow and painkillers & have ourselves a make-up party.
When i look at that picture of him, i'm a little proud to be like yeah, his dick was in my mouth saturday no big deal.
I want to frame my negative pregnancy test.
Uhg.. This isn't fair. I just want to have sex with you until i lose consciousness, wake up and start over... is that so much to ask?
He gave me a hug and said "He doesn't deserve you, Anna. Your boobs are great, and I'd fuck you anytime. Any. Place." I need a new 'gay' friend.
You handed J your Mayan-pocalypse shopping list and told him he wasn't getting laid unless he brought everything on it. Where is he supposed to get a live goat?!
one of my coworkers wanted to look something up on YouTube on my tablet. I didn't know how to explain why my most recent search was "girl fucks dog."
Oh my lord it is too early in the morning to be that horny freak
my vagina doesn't wear a watch
He stumbled in drunk at 7am, while we were getting ready for work. He poured a bowl of Cap'n Crunch, poured Jack Daniels on it., and said he was having "Captain Jack" for breakfast. I don't know how he's alive and employed. I hope the Cap'n calls in sick for him today.
So I have to masturbate in a hospital. I wonder what kind of porn they have.
Oh man 11pm. That means it's time to take my shirt off an eat a brownie
WHERE THE FUCK'S MY FUCKING RITALIN YOU FUCKING FASCIST?????
I will never use my dick in anger. With great dick comes great responsibility
Randomize
