no seriously he was fingering me like he was really really frantically looking for a song on his iPod.
Wearing the BK Crown on the throne while dropping the kids off at the pool? Yes, one of my life's goals. Win
Weekdays seemed more exciting when I had a drinking problem. Like I had something to look forward to at night.
We found him sitting in a beach chair in the basement storage room passed out. Idk if we should move him or pass the bowl around.
Its official vodka lemonade jager and whiskey with coorslight is a bad combination of try to forget the work week cocktail ps bring alkaseltzer
First table when you walk in. Can't miss us. I'm wearing a feather boa and a green hat
You had me at first table
He got me a cake that said " Congratulations on the dick "
This guy kept trying to use "see? I'm clean. Cleared by the plasma place today." as a pick up line. This is not okay.
I SWEAR TO ALL THAT IS HOLY I HAVE NEVER WIPED MY GENITALIA ON ANY TYPE OF EMERGENCY RESPONSE VEHICLE!!
So, if you were also having sex around 11pm, then we were legitimately being penetrated at the exact same time. That is amazing. We are soul sisters.
If sex isn’t mentioned at least three times at the dinner table, I’m not interested...
You cuddled up under the blanket because you said it smelled like Santa and vodka.
I just timed my pee with a stop watch. From when the main stream started to ended. It was 45.1 seconds. This is the truth trust me.
Thanks for not letting me choke to death on my vomit last night
Thank you for attempting to organize my DVDs in chronological and alphbetical order
when I said eat the rich I didn't mean like that but here we are sucking that capitalist dick
Randomize
