I had just got her shirt off when I realized that I was about to fuck Chewbacca from Star Wars. The way she moaned confirmed that I was.
I wasn't trying to make you feel bad, I just agreed with you that your life does suck.
On a scale of one to Chris Brown, how angry are you?
Just set all my clocks a minute apart. Now my 4:20 is longer by sixfold
I am seriously considering thanking Macallan 18 in my thesis acknowledgments.
I found her sleepin on the side of the house in the rocks. so i woke her up and yelled at her and she would only come inside if i let her sleep in the bathroom.
animal crackers drenched in taco bell mild sauce... surprisingly delightful
breakfast of champions
breakfast of stoners
Well that's the first time I've woken up with wet jorts
Just realized I'm going to have to make you sign a non-disclosure agreement before my wedding.
I broke a glass at the bar and ended up with blood on my forehead. I apparently kept screaming BLOOD like the little boy in that YouTube video.
That's the 3rd time I've gone home with her and she passed out on me. I poured 6 boxes of cereal on her and left
Do you know how fucking great a bath bomb is when you're high?
just found a picture from last night.
the one of you riding a horse with nothing but a bulletproof vest on?
uhm.... no?...
The magnum condom fits. I feel like a manly version of cinderella
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
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