When I woke up his cat was sleeping on my face and i had scratch marks on my neck. not happy.
only room for one pussy in that bed.
is sleeping with your Political Science professor Politically incorrect?
Was he helping you 'cram' for your final, or just giving an oral exam?
it was like one of those moments where the couple runs together and kisses and everyone in the airport claps. but instead of clapping an indian guy walked by and said 'ahhhright! get some!'
hey..i found a takeout box with a half-eaten hamburger in it, the box said to text this number if found...
my mom just left...time to break out that water bottle of wine that I sewed into my teddy bear
dude throwing a golf cart off a pier is harder than it seems!
Would it be inappropriate to rub one out in the gym shower? I mean, technically, I pay $80 a month to do what I want so could they really say anything?
Shower is fine. Steam room is shady. I've probably done both at one point in my life so I can't be used as a good reference.
your sister totally cock blocked me last night don't even think about inviting her to taco night
You don't know how skeptical I was about letting a guy with braces go down on me
He carried you out but the best part is you kept saying "can't I keep dancing" as you were gushing blood
He asked if I was going to squirt out my bday candles. I'm glad the perversion doesn't stop for special occasions.
just because you have a nice tits it doesn't make you a magic little snowflake.
I woke up with a bunch of jolly ranchers and an eight ball in my purse. Successful
Uber southern baptist grandma and uber flaming cousin just got into an argument about whether jesus is OK with gay marriage. Aren't these things only supposed to happen at Thanksgiving?
No you just wanted to pass out in your hallway because your room was too far away
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