Hey dude. Went to the hospital. Call me when you get up
I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
I just had to explain to my father, how having two screens plugged into my computer doesn't use more internet.
i was about to rearrange the room but realized that this is the only efficient setup where we can have sex while the other one's asleep without them accidentally seeing.
He turned off the music when i walked in and introduced me to everyone. then they gave me jager and made me chug it while holding a giant purple dildo. everything resumed when i finished
cheese fries, coffee, with a side of dry heaving in the bathroom at the diner on campus at 5am. never felt better.
I may have farted on a group of children. It may not have been an accident.
my vagina can't take this anxiety. there is no way he is 19 and this smooth. he's lying about his age or he's a goddamn sexual prodigy
You called me and said "Aidan's unconscious" to which he said "I'm conscious, I'm conscious pilot"
He was filled with the holy spirit. And vodka.
I met his dad. Turns out he was a one nighter from the nurses conference in Vegas. Not sure how to handle this one.
Clearly, you already have. Both of them.
You will bone me until my eyeballs fall out. This is not a request.
Got a high five from a Superman stripper tonight
I know how to kill a man with nutmeg and a sword. You in?
Or nah
I would be down to associate sex w taco bell
You went into the bathroom, got in the tub with a pillow, yelled "this isn't as comfortable as it looks in the movies" then passed out
Randomize
