you said youd get me home safely, you dropped me off at 9:30 last night and i just woke up on my porch.
The verizon commercial has a magical pinata. Candy just keeps coming out. It must be a portal to a candy universe.
Can you please tell me why there's a bottle of urine on my night stand with a note that says "in case you're thirsty in the morning"? Thanks.
I just spent my lunch hour driving around campus yelling "TRADE LIVES WITH ME!" to all the freshmen moving in
everyday i am more and more thankful i can still check the no box for "have you ever been convicted of a felony?" on applications
One of my preschool students told me today that it's not pollution that makes the water in lakes unclean. It's the hobos. I was absolutely speechless. And just so proud.
He just subscribed to one of my Spotify playlists. The next step is sex.
I started crying then my dog licked his dick so yeah.. Kind of ruined the moment.
Let me get this straight, you're telling me to lower my standards? Even though last week you told me I don't have any..?
How do you initiate sexting are u supposed to be like yo I'm peeing and eating a clif bar and texting and thinking about you naked all at the same time
You think you're smart. You're pretending to be asleep to save yourself from my hormonal pms mood swings. Unfortunately that only works against bears.
Holy shit last night was like the irresponsible Olympics for me
I peed in front of kids, unfortunately
Yeah. I fucked her boyfriend, she knows, and she still wants to keep dating him. That's love.
11:30 and people are pissing in the sink. It's gonna be a good night.
Randomize
