i just told my boss to make it rain at camelot later...what is wrong with me?
Another night of drunkeness. Maybe I shouldn't have played death pong...
Didn't you just get a DUI last week?
Indeed I did but death didn't stop Jesus now did it
Lady next to me is getting american flags airburshed on her nails. god bless the ghetto.
no, its his 'welcome back from rehab' party.
My bruised ribs were so worth that win in beer pong
I don't think the TSA would be too happy. Who knows if three ounces of lube will be enough for us?
I wonder if you're allowed to smoke pot at Denver bronco games now...
My fridge is empty and all of my food is in the bathtub. Just.. Why?
So you called me the queen of nudes yesterday and I'm still not sure how I feel about it
I am luring the porn star to my house with chicken!
Why the fuck is there raw bacon in my bra. I don't even have a stove.
will you help me invent vagina-safe pop rocks?
God does not give you boobs that amazing to not share them with your friends
If u could sum last night up in one word?
omgwtfpineapple
Woke up at 8am and asked if she had coffee.... She handed me a shot of tequila...
Randomize
