Lady came into work yesterday. Full on stache and beard. I've never concentrated on making eye contact harder in my life.
you came back at 4am in a suit jacket and a half eaten burrito...
Ran into that hot funeral director in the bar two days after the wake. pretty sure we drunk made out.
Grandpa would have been proud
i asked if you wanted help changing your sheets after you threw up in bed. you politely declined. i take no responsibility after that.
I think that's the key to being an adult though... Get those rapid fire beer shits out I the way early, then you can go about your grown man business
dude, you declined head because you wanted to tell her about how you put cinnamon in your weed. also, we're low on Chef Boyardee
My 7 yo sister is trying to talk my mom into buying her a strawberry margarita. Happy Cinco de Mayo.
Last night was good. Things got bad when I found a sledge hammer.
I'm at the back whiskey bar with a 7 and 7 in a winnie the pooh costume. Come find me.
He also deemed that the fact that I couldn't log into Netflix was not an emergency. He's wrong.
we didn't even throw knives this time! it was just the carrot peeler
He sent me a flaccid dick pic from the bathroom at the bar and he said I'm sorry it's not all hard and good looking. Props to him - I did ask for a pic.
SPICY FOODS AND BLOWJOBS DON'T MIX.
YOU SAID YOU'D TRY ANYTHING ONCE YOU LIAR
I figure I since I made out with him that I at least had to save his number in my phone.
Little girl was fucking around on the train and completely ran her head into a pole. Totally burst out laughing as she cried. Her mom was not amused. I don't think I should be a Mom. EVER.
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