He ignores my calls like im some kind of stalker chick
Ive only called 5 times
Memo to the bitch sitting across from me at Swamp: no one thinks you're classy with your Louis Vuitton and your Burberry scarf when you're dragging on that cig like it was the last cock on earth and you needed cum for sustenance.
nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
ugh. my soul tastes like vodka
On my way home right now. I miss you. let's cuddle. whiskey.
so exactly what does one wear to an abortion clinic?
Considering the last guy I had sex with was gay, this was a huge improvement.
The fact that I pulled something plastic out of my mouth after taking that shot is starting to concern me.
Truth be told I was googling "why is my left calf bigger than my right calf", porn would've been a better excuse for a virus.
SHE JUST SHOVED MY HAND DOWN HER PANTS AT THE BAR
Don't text me with that hand
That one life defining moment when you catch yourself pouring whisky into your hot chocolate at 4 am, whilst crying and talking to your dog.
You stole a fry from a complete stranger. He wasn't happy. Then you said fuck it and stole the whole poutine and ran down the street while he stared in shock.
You're worse than that girl who made out with her cousin at that party
That was you...
My ideal friend would be my dog as a drug dealer
Grandma's bordering on serious shit show territory at this point.
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