Am I allowed to make my facebook status "loves farting in chairs"? I think it would shock every boy that I am friends with.
My roommate was eating ketchup out of a bowl. Get me the hell out of here.
At what point should shame kick in? Realising I had a one night stand with a man engaged or realising I am that man's wedding photographer?
dude uncooked spaghetti noodles dipped in thousand island dressing is better than it sounds
lesson learned: don't narrate out loud about how a girl is giving you head while she's doing it
I mean, I thought you would respect me for turning your life around for the better. It seems just yesterday that I found you in a ditch with a cock in your mouth.
I have 39 hot sauces from Chipotle
It's like earning obesity badges
I still regret not being there for your blackout into the dumpster last year
I don't think the TSA would be too happy. Who knows if three ounces of lube will be enough for us?
All I want is to get as high as I did that time I started hallucinating that my brother was becoming a monkey and I saw my mum on every surface of your room.
im glad im back to a point in my life where i have enough sex to sometimes be offered and be like naw im good.
I just had to explain to an 70+ year old lady what 'coitus' was. This was not in my job description.
She bit my shoulder during foreplay last night, and it's already infected. I think she has rabies.
Awesome. I did a rain go away dance. And it went away. Nbd just cotrollin the weather with my mind and sweet dance moves
I know she’s pissed I fucked her husband, but I didn’t know he was married until after I blew him at Legoland
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