i cant decide if i should go fuck j*** or keep watching real genius
just got waxed at a place I havent been to in a while
woman didnt remember me then in the middle of waxing she announced that she just didnt recognize my face
You were telling me to give my phone mouth to mouth so it wouldn't die.. Should i be worried for you?
How did the whale quest end up? I saw u hit a little snag when the first one heard you call her that.
Were betting on little kids falling and racing for a drinking game at the wedding.
He told me that a camel appeared out of nowhere and it told him to quit smoking...
I am in my freshman residence hall trying to convince an Asian man to give me my pants back. Never. Drinking. Again.
Let me tell you how my drug dealer wants me to take his girlfriends little sister to jr prom
His balls are like really small, like dog sized balls. It was a weird discovery. Ever done a guy with dog sized balls?
You think you're smart. You're pretending to be asleep to save yourself from my hormonal pms mood swings. Unfortunately that only works against bears.
He ordered a meatball sub with a side of meatballs.
My doctor said I can only have one drink at a time, ever, from now on. My life has officially started its decline.
Our relationship revolved around Taylor Swift albums. It's no wonder it ended so fast
We fucked on the roof... like that has to mean something
Basically we had a threesome in one room and a fivesome in the next room. Its what I like to call a win win situation.
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