can't come out tonight. went to the bar again last night and the bartender hugged and thanked me so much for my "generosity." I'm intrigued but terrified to see my credit card bill.
burritoes are like sleeping bags for ground beef
nothing says happy new years better than a black eye from shooting yourself with a champagne bottle
hooking up with my manager sounds like an even better idea while i'm sober.
i just did the math...im a product of my mothers birthday sex
I'm going to join a nudist colony to win $1000. There are no down-sides to this.
Apparently 'check out this motherfucker' is not an appropriate greeting to use in the vicinity of sitting united states senators. Who knew
buying a tattoo gun on ebay just sounded like a good idea at the time idk man
You come home the day the world is supposed to end. Well played Mayans.
Imagine cans of beer raining. Like not hitting you and hurting you. Just gently falling into your hand whenever you're sad
At least I remembered to wear a bra. I feel like that's a big accomplishment right now
Amnesty Wednesday? I'm free to do dirty things to you and you can't laugh or judge?
She was from Wisconsin, she had great boobs... I mean... It's a dairy state....
You danced?!
I just jiggle to the beat like a sexy lava lamp
I can get weed and taco bell delivered but frozen peas and a loaf of bread are just too scarce, what the hell is wrong with people?
Randomize
