I'm trashed wearing your mom's snuggie. She says hello.
I found the seven page love letter I had written you. I'm sorry i was so obsessed.
you can't get genital warts from dogs can you?
I just found out my favorite drunk show, Repo Men, is just reenactments. I can't express through words my disappointment.
I feel like now would be a good time to apologize for vomiting in your eye
the paramedic just looked at me like "you again?"
Making a drinking game out of jeopardy does not mean you studied..
Is that you who's passed out on my treadmill?
I woke up this morning covered in blood and peanut butter. I am now safe from vampires with nut allergies.
Sorry but i am wayy to hungover to take mom to her AA meeting.
Wont she be proud, Hailey.
I went around and congratulated every guy that had a beard for having one
Goddamn tequila
That's the point dumbass, I can't use my boss as a reference cause they'd have to fucking call him in prison.
I just ate beer and cupcakes for breakfast.... maybe this fourth of july won't be so bad
No I don't want to see you. You're the reason that I'm going to need a new liver by the time I'm 30.
What is more embarrassing, shitting yourself in Mexico or having sex in a forest preserve with a 19 yr old? This is crucial research.
Randomize